Many of the posts on my page are about dealing with infant loss, mainly in the terms of miscarriage because that is what I personally have gone through. Today while on Facebook, I made a generally innocent remark and had vultures attacking me (as that is what Facebook has become as of late, a bunch of woman attacking other woman instead of supporting them.)
In the end I found out this mother had lost her child to SIDS, (Being new to the group I was unaware and told I was rude, along with many many other hurtful comments. I remained level headed and continued to apologize profusely for making a jerk comment.) However the more I tried to relate with this woman, apologize and make amends, the more these other woman attacked and the conversation again turned on me saying "How dare I compare my miscarriages to a live loss of a child that they got to see, and coo and play with for 3 months".
This is where it struck a nerve (I removed myself from the post before I stooped to their level). Personally I have lost 5 children of my own. I have lost twins, conceived 8 weeks apart because I ovulated while pregnant. We went to find out the gender only to find out that baby had passed away and we were pregnant with a second. The first baby lost all of its amniotic fluid because the second baby took it all and pretty much drowned in amniotic fluid and would pass away within a few days.
My third baby I lost was my daughters identical twin. Who didn't make it and was absorbed into my daughter. The final loss was my mono mono twins. Carried until 12 weeks and though it was almost inevitable that I would lose them too, it didn't hurt any less.
Every August, I think back to my first ultrasound. So excited to find out the gender, only to hear devastating news, and even worse news. Knowing my babies would have been born around February/March and that I found out I was pregnant with my daughter on the day I was supposed to have my babies. People called me lucky, said I could try again. But again, it didn't hurt any less. I lost 2 children. Two children were taken from me in a moments time. I didn't get to hold them or cuddle them. I didn't get to find out their genders and name them. But they were already apart of my family. Even if for a short time. We had already bought items because miscarriages don't happen and I was already 16 weeks. Out of the clear! But it did.
Every November I think about the fact that my daughter would be sharing her birthday with her sister. She'll make comments about her sister every now and then, and you can see it in her eyes that she's missing something. Someone.
Every January, not only am I celebrating the birth of my son, my husband, my niece and my mother in law. But I'm also mourning the death of my last set of twins. The twins that I was told I'd never be able to have a child again. I thank my lucky stars that I was able to have my son after that, but it does not take the pain away from losing them.
A friend of mine, not only had a miscarriage at 8 weeks, but she also lost her daughter at 21 weeks. They held her for just under two hours before she took her last breath in her fathers arms. Alexandria would have been four years old yesterday. And though she has a wonderful just about two year old little boy, not a day goes by that she doesn't think about her daughter or the child she miscarried. Each year she celebrates Alexandrias birthday with an Ice Cream Social. If you'd like to participate please take a picture of yourself, family, friends, anyone eating icecream and hashtag on twitter, facebook and instagram #alexandriasicecreamsocial. This would mean a great deal to the parents.
Finally, I have lost friends my age to cancer, drinking and more. Their families devastated. In a kind of pain that is unimaginable.
The bottom line is this, "A person is a person, no matter how big or how small."
The second you become pregnant, you are that childs family. All the pain is different, but grief is the same. You can't compare losses and pull the "mines bigger". You have both lost a child. No one knows how you feel except you. Instead of attacking each other, we should be supporting each other in a time of loss.
