I have been avoiding this subject since I started blogging.
After jumping on to baby center to check an article about my 2 year old and to jump on the community board for Nov 2008 group, a recent post to the August 2011 group caught my eye. It was official birth announcements. Now I once belonged to this group and since February have not logged back in to it. So I was a little curious as to why there were birthing stories already...and it was only May? So I read, and read, and started to cry.
Back in April of 2007 I found out I was pregnant with the baby due in February. It was a very stressful time, and we were told many things "youre too young" "you're not fit to be parents" and many more hurtful words (mind you both of us were over the age of 18 graduated from highschool and one class away from being done with a community college) My HCG levels were all sorts of screwed up and the baby was measuring really small (like 3-4 in stead of 6-7). So they told me it would be closer to March 3rd before I had the baby.
On August 23rd we went for an Ultrasound hoping to find out the gender and instead received a lot of bad news. We found out that I had miscarried the baby. But that there was another baby there, about 7 weeks and 6 days. We also found out that the heart beat was about 15 Beats per minute, instead of over 100. And there wasnt much amniotic fluid around the baby and to not hold our hopes up. We were scheduled for another ultrasound wednesday...the 29th. We went, and found out the babys heart stopped. We scheduled a D&C the 31st. I wrote something that day....
Disclaimer: These are my thoughts and feelings. They may be blunt. They may make you cry. Just prepare yourself. They are how I feel. I do not wish to be lectured on my feelings, so please, if you dont like it, please dont comment. Again they are my thoughts and feelings..and I just need to let out what I am thinking and feeling right now.
Through my entire pregnancy I have been worried...knowing I am doing something wrong...like not eating enough, not drinking enough. Not taking my pills everyday, but like 5 or 6 days a week. I feel like I somehow killed the baby. That its my fault. I feel like J is blaming me even though he isnt and he tells me its not my fault. But I feel like I need to be blamed because they were living inside me. I was supposed to take care of them and I didnt. I didnt just lose one, I lost two, in the matter of 16 weeks. I know that it is not my fault and miscarriages are more common than most people think, but I still hurt, I still feel like its my fault.
I am jealous looking into the eyes of a baby, or a child, and think, that could have been mine. I look at them and think why couldnt you have been mine? Why did I have to lose mine and they were able to have a happy healthy baby. One who they were able to see the gender at 16/17 weeks. They were able to feel it move around in their belly, and laugh when it kicked and show others. Have the baby shower and feel relieved and happy when they first hear the baby cry. I am jealous of those who can do that. Who yell at their children for eating too much candy, or not going to bed or listening. Who are teaching them how to write and read, and manners.
I am mad at those who just neglect their child and dont want them because I do. I want that child. I want to feel the love that they are not giving. I want to care. I want to hold and feel. But I cannot.
Babies are a precious thing. Something to cherish...something to hold dear in your heart. Even though I cant have the baby. I can have the memory of the first 16 weeks. The first 16 weeks sadness, happiness, and the coming together of family. Of saying to friends and family "im pregnant! i cant wait!"
I remember telling J how worried i was...because i knew he didnt want children, and that i would leave him so that he didnt have to make a commitment he didnt want, and i love the words that ring in my ear "im here to stay, so deal with it."
I cherish the memory of being told that my hCG levels are low, and that I need to be careful...that im producing two eggs, and that my body isnt completely registering im pregnant...then I have those few days of pure morning sickness, where I feel so bad that I dont want to get outta bed, and I know the baby is alright...
then im told i dont have to see the doctor again for a month because the baby is okay...only to find out...there was 2, thats why my hCG went up.
I even cherish the nurses words..."im so sorry".
In that last week I worked hard, hoping that I could change it, even though the doctor said nothing I would do is going to help...still I drank over 180 oz. of water instead of 64...still...i ate like a horse hoping it would help...even though I knew in my heart it wouldnt...but i had to think positive...i had to feel i did all that i could...for my self...for J, and for the baby. I tried all i could to save Hope. Even though it didnt work, atleast i know i tried. That helps with the feeling of it being my fault. It feels as though my life is falling apart. Like I dont know who i am anymore...and i need to get back on my feet. Im starting school, so that will help. Im going to get my associates degree. Im gonna come back from vacation and get a full time job. As well as work at the Wok. I am going to do it, because it is who I am. I am going to lose weight. get finantially stable..and maybe, j and I will get engaged when WE are ready. or maybe well try again to have a baby, and it will be okay. And WE will be ready.
I feel like ive been through so much, seen so much at the age of 20, a lot of which people do not know. Like 3 or 4 years ago, and the events that lead up to the feeling of today. The truth behind why I was scared to take that medication and did the D&C instead. Information that I am not yet ready to disclose with the rest of my friends...and keep it close to only a rare few.
We called those babies Hope, as a signal of the hope we had.
March 3rd 2008 (The day our baby was due), I had a very rough weekend, I had been drinking and I also found out a very dear friend of mines father passed away. So I thought I was very sick from the events that occured. I had gone to the doctor who took a pregnancy test and found out that I was indeed only 3 weeks pregnant. She was slightly confused at how I figured it out, and I told her "I got sick off chocolate chip pancakes" The doctor laughed and scheduled me for an ultrasound March 27th.
We found out there were two babies, but one wasnt developing. But the other one was fine with a beautiful HB of 119. They wanted to continuously moniter me and the second baby, so we had another ultrasound the 2nd of April. Heartbeat was over 164, and the other sac was not being reabsorbed or anything and they were worried theyd need to do surgery or I'd be delivering both. We had more U/S's, April 25th, and May 9th.
I had lost 8 pounds but the baby was measuring ahead of schedule and everything was hunky dory! The twin was also reabsorbed by V. My pregnancy was healthy, but my labor....a nightmare.
I was in ACTIVE labor for 41 hours. Before I had gone in I was in the hospital the week before she was born (day before she was due) and was having conrtactions 2-3 minutes long and 1-1 1/2 minutes apart...and I didn't feel a thing. Nov 18th, I felt EVERYTHING starting at 4am. We got to the hospital around 12, and my water broke at 1230 when she checked my cervix which had been 3cm dilated and 75% effaced for almost a month already.
I did it all natural for 36 hours, had 4 IVs, 2 internal and 2 external moniters, and 5 nurses, 2 drs, my mum and fiancee all telling me to do the epidural. 4 hours later, I finally needed to push. V slept the whole time! 9:02pm on the 19th, my beautiful little girl was born. But that wasnt the end. My placenta wouldnt deliver and the umbilical cord detached from the placenta. They had to physically go get it.
December 22nd 2010. I had been talking with my dear friend (same one as above) about her the similarity of symptoms she had and I had (she was due in April) I had been sick for like a week and was even sent home from work. It was weird that I could be pregnant though because I was on my period (finished that day) and I was also on birth control. But to ease my mind, I took a pregnancy test which came back positive. So I called the doctor, went in and like flying colors, a positive popped up.
They asked "when was your last period" which i replied "yesterday". So they flew me down to U/S and I found out I was 6 weeks and 5 days. But the tech wouldnt stop the U/S...then after 20 minutes, we finally found out what was wrong, the sac was too long for comfort...and she found it...A TWIN! Both heart beats were 108 and 106. Little low on the scale but for almost 7 weeks, not much lower than V. We also found out they were mono mono twins. (Completely 100% identical...and THE RAREST form of twins, that you can barely get pregnant with even with fertility).
So here I am freaking out, possibility of twin fusion and umbilical cords wrapping around the neck, being told I could have them as early as May 15th for the smallest chance of survival but definetely having them by June 15th. (Due 8/14). Work telling me to quit before they fire me for absence and to come back on a better note, and NO doctor talking to me because I had to be transferred to a safer hospital with a NICU.
January 25th...I had a feeling something was terribly wrong and I was scheduled for a preliminary and an U/S... I was about 12 weeks. It was the day where there was over a foot of snow.
"Theyre gone, arent they?"
"I'm so sorry"
"Both or just one. V survived mum."
"I'm so sorry... both"
I laid there, just looking at the screen. Hoping one of the heartbeats would just start beating. All the stress and pain I'd been in, it all ended but began all over again. The tears, the guilt, the confusion, the anger. It was like a swarm of bees. And no one had an answer, and still don't. February 2nd, I had a D+C. Today I still tell people I'm ok, and that its happened before, when really I'm dieing inside. I'd rather not be able to get pregnant than know, I will keep losing them.
To this day and even as I type this, I cry. Not for the most recent two, but for all.
Always remember your angels <3 I have 5 beautiful ones looking down on me.
